31 December 2014
The rearview
mirror... Why does life often seem
clearer in the dusty rearview mirror?
Why is it easier to see our misguided decisions only after we’ve bowed out
and accepted the consequences of our younger self? Are we then destined to retire in the sunset
of the tortuous odyssey simply because of a
few ill-informed and unfortunate choices? Are we destined to spend the rest of
our lives in an existential angst, looking to the heavens and begging for an
answer, for help, for the light and the path to be shown, and for a reason to
sacrifice it all and fight for what little we still hold within our grasp?
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| Seeing the Pacific Ocean again... |
I’ll post a few pictures from the year in review. Overall, 2014 was one of the most emotionally
taxing of my life; it was a constant rollercoaster, with many high points and
quite a few low ones as well, and often felt like a murder of ravens stomped on
my life. As anyone close to me knows, I
lost my baby brother, David, this year. He was swimming in one of his favorite
creeks, and drowned sadly. So now,
having already lost my older brother seven years ago, it’s difficult to accept
now being the only child and forced to watch alone as my parents get on in age
and as their health deteriorates.
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| On what would have been David's 24th birthday... |
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| One of the many flights back & forth... |
I’ve made several trips back home to visit the
family and plan to continue making trips to help support them—as long as my
finances permit it. Over the
years, I made so few trips home because everything always got in the way: work,
relationships, and just life in general.
Looking back, I definitely wished I had set aside other priorities and
made it a point to go back and see my family, especially after losing my older
brother. You’d think I would have
learned my lesson then, but I didn’t—but I am now taking the necessary steps to
salvage what I can from this menagerie.
I also bought my second home this year, which was
nice, and then immediately did a no-cost refinance, reducing it from a 30-year
fixed—APR from 4.25%—to a 30-year fixed 3.75%.
Ultimately, my overall mortgage payments reduced about 20% and I saved
nearly $30k over the life of the loan.
So that was one of few positives of 2014.
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| Seattle's Great Wheel... |
I had some other good things that finally developed
this year, including gaining lifetime access to military installations—great
for things like the commissary and the BX, which are tax-free! This little recompense also came with an
indefinite military ID card, so I was quite
pleased with that blessing. Also, the
state of WA does some other nice things, like waive the annual auto
registration fees and significantly reduces property taxes. It’s nice actually to be able to save a few
dollars here and there... But then, as
we all know, when there’s a small savings, somewhere else, prices are
increasing! Directv goes up; utilities
hike their prices, and everyone has to take a larger piece of the pie until
there’s so little left to make a dent in my ever-building debt!
2014 also marked the year I finished my first
symphony, which I began writing several years ago. It took 5 long years, but the 3-part magnum
opus The
Tortuous Odyssey is finally complete and already on its way to the Library of Congress to be recorded and
copyrighted. The last measure, “Symphony of the Blue Abyss” is by far the longest
piece and the darkest of anything I’ve ever written. It fully explores and expounds upon all the
emotions of everything I’ve been through in my life, especially in the last few
years.
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| Seattle, Summer 2014 |
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| Beautiful Seattle! |
For much of my life, I’ve tried to be the voice of good reason, and tried to reach out to
others—especially with my writings, which is a
less appreciated form of art—but to no avail, my voice has always been
ignored or hushed by those with more influence, money or perhaps charming
personality, all
of which I infinitely lack. I’m certain now, no matter how loudly I shout, it’ll
never measure above a mere whisper in the breeze. I certainly don’t mind
helping everyone out in my life, and I love being able to be there to help when
and how I can, but I’ve long surpassed that point where I’m exhausted from only being the crutch
people come to when they’re down or depressed or need money or help with
whatever, then after I’ve helped them and things are better, I never see or
hear from them again until...well you guessed it.
This is what happens when you become obsolete. This is what happens when others are blind, deaf,
heartless, and think you’re ineffectual and inconsequential. Yet they rely on
you to hold up the world to support them.
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| International Fountain! |
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| Space Needle is so amazing, especially at night! |
I used to write in such parabolic terms that only a
few would ever be able to decipher what I meant, but I’m reaching a point that
I just don’t care anymore what anyone thinks.
It likely won’t matter or have any effect regardless, so I’ll just put
things as bluntly as I usually do when speaking—that generally entails being
very direct and with no tact whatsoever. I can love you to death but I’ll tell
you in a minute what I think or feel.
However, I refuse to accept this fate, and I’ll
continue to fight to keep my head above water.
I will finish my novel in 2015 and hopefully I’ll find a great agent and
get it published. I’ve only been working
on this novel for 16 years, and after several revisions, and rewrites and God
only knows what else, I am finally within the sight of the checkered flag. I also want to start writing a series of
comedic short stories, most likely a spinoff—or a cutaway—from my novel, keeping the protagonist and deuteragonist
in play!
Maybe my life is no more special than anyone else,
and certainly no different than anyone else.
I recognize that we all struggle with the constant “tuggle” war that is
life. But I also believe we all have
unique gifts to offer to the world to help everyone else along the way, so that
we can better cope and raise our heads up high at the end of the day, as the sky wrestles with the sun to be released to the moon.
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| Trip to Mt. Rainier, Summer 2014. |
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| My Jeep, enjoying the view! |
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| Top of the world! |
So much more has happened this year, but maybe I
will save a little bit for the ones who truly care enough to inquire and not
simply just “Like” whatever they see on Facebook, which to me, is a way primarily to feign
interest in someone’s life and make them believe you care. Social media will be the end of how we
communicate and express ourselves, even to our closest friends and family. Eventually,
we’ll only need to say “Like” or give the thumbs up
to convey any thought or emotion.
As this year rounds the eleventh hour, I certainly
wish everyone the best for 2015. It’s been said for generations and will be
for generations to come, but hopefully, this will be our year, our time to
rise, our time to stand and enjoy the fruits of our labor and reap in all its
bounty. I wish you all a Happy New Year!
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| Life. |
I leave you now with this
final thought: Imagine
a life with no voice, a life without love, a life devoid of emotion and
communication, and life that has become obsolete but was not without meaning in
the rearview mirror.
Until next time…
NK
(PS:
Comments are always welcome…and if anyone knows how I can get a good writing
gig, let me know!)
